Problems from Remulak

Story: Beldar Conehead, home from a tiring day at the office where he serves as a replacement for a computer, discovers his daughter, Connie, wishes to be like Britney Spears. His discussion with his wife, Prymatt, uncovers deep misgivings she has about his love for her.

Cast: Beldar Conehead, Prymatt Conehead, Connie Conehead; Beldar and Prymatt both speak in high-pitched mechanical voices; Connie speaks normally

Props: 3 head cones, table, three chairs, huge pot, tongs, fiberglass insulation, quart of engine oil, brief case, 3 plastic plates

Pyrmatt enters with pot; tongs and oil are on table...She puts the pot on the table..

Prymatt: The time coordinates for consuming mass quantities is almost here...Beldar and Connie will be excited! (works contents of pot with tongs)

Beldar: (enters with brief case, acting very tired...walking toward table)

Prymatt: (to Beldar) Beldar, my spousal unit...the time coordinates for mass consumption have arrived. Sit. (He drops heavily into the chair) I have prepared your favorite consumable - fiberglass insulation and 10W30 motor oil! (She tongs a strip of insulation onto his plate. It will re-energize your sa-tra-lat...

Beldar:(slumps in chair, head on fist) Prymatt: Beldar, my spousal unit, what is wrong?

Beldar: The executive directing unit expanded the network of silicon-based computing units that I operate and the interface ceased to function within it's designed parameters...

Prymatt: What do you mean?

Beldar: The network went down at the office...

Prymatt: Did the 100 calculators I bought for you at the local center for retail exchange help?

Beldar: Yes, but operating 100 calculators simultaneously for 5 zenon periods discharges my wrinkulade.

Prymatt: (leans over and touches his cone with hers) My poor spousal unit...Connie Conehead enters

Connie: Oh, hi parental units...what's for mass consumption? (looks in pot) Yea!...My favorite...fiberglass with oil sauce! (sits at table, takes some "food", pretends to eat)

Prymatt: (hands on hips) Beldar, our offspring unit has been spending many zenon units listening to optical recordings of the voice of a semi-dressed offspring of another family unit. I have warned her that
she will distract herself from our mission to seize and establish this miserable little planet as a minor refueling station for the High Master's star cruiser!

Connie: Oh, mom, there's nothing wrong with Britney Spears.

Prymatt: See what I mean! Mip! Mip!

Beldar: Now, now, my spousal unit, you need not wrinkle your cone over this. I have seen this semi-dressed offspring unit on the visual projection unit in our living room many times, and I not seen anything that will distract her from her mission...and she is quite a good vocal resonator.

Connie: See, mom...even my male parental unit thinks she is a good singer! (Beldar covers his face, Prymatt scowls at him)...I think I will go and listen to more of her optical recordings...(leaves the table)
There is a pause after Connie leaves, Beldar acts very sheepish, Prymatt continues to look angrily at Beldar...then she slowly picks up the fiberglass from his plate with tongs and puts it back in the pot...

Prymatt: I guess you think this human has better vocal resonation than me? Have you forgotten the time we spent under the fest-rat formations by the shores of ug-lat on Remulak? I vocalized over 12 octaves just for you! Mip! Mip!

Beldar: Correct...but, my spousal unit, what about the signed picture of Elvis on the bathroom mirror...
Prymatt: That is different...

Beldar: Explain...

Prymatt: You know males from Remulak do not resonant...I am simply doing....research...Connie is too young to understand the strange urges she is getting, and we must protect her from these human influences...I, on the other hand, can easily control my rectoolator...but you on the other appendage...(Prymatt turns away and begins to make loud crow-like calls - she is crying)

Beldar: stands and goes to Prymatt, puts both hands on her shoulders) My one and only spousal unit, you know there is only you for me...we were chosen for each other by the larthron spheres of Mypzor! (she continues to loudly crow)...come, let us consume mass quantities together...(he turns as if to return to the chair, but stops and faces Prymatt as she turns and speaks)

Prymatt: Oh, my spousal unit, how can I know that? We never engage our digital appendages (holds out hand to to Beldar)...we never talk of the days when we became the Timekeepers of Remulak...(both sit at the table); when you touch your cone to mine, the voltage never goes beyond 5 million shinkle units, and the vocalizations of a semi-dressed offspring of another family unit sound better than mine... (she puts her head down and begins to crow)

Beldar: (puts his hand on her arm, looks at audience, clears his throat, and begins to sing mechanically, with growing performance) "Love me tender, love me sweet, never let me go." (Prymatt looks up, hopefully) You have made my life complete and I love you so." (Beldar stands up, sings to the audience, hand on heart, other hand extended) "Love me tender, love me true, all my dreams fulfill." (Prymatt stands, arms across chest, holding herself) "For, my darlin', I love you and I always will." Prymatt (standing next to Beldar, holding his arm) Oh my spousal unit, why do I ever question you? The larthron spheres of Mypzor are never wrong...you are my one and only... Beldar (imitating Elvis, voice and all) hey, sweetheart, whattaya say, we jump in my pink cadillac and get some peanut butter and banana
sandwiches..." Lights fade out...