Roseanne Roseannadanna's Hangnail...
Story: Roseanne Roseannadanna is a commentator
on a news broadcast. Her assignment is to report on new findings that certain
nailpolish causes softening of the nail.
Theme: the big and little things in life
Cast: Roseanne, news anchor
Props: stool, nylon hose with a big run, slides
for overhead
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News cast sound effects, MM slide of 6 o'clock
news, voice over beginsas slide goes up
Good evening, I'm Bailey Beatle, and You're
not. This is CWCN's WeekendUpdate.
(sound fades out quickly)
Our headline story tonight:
President Bush continues to push Congress
and the International Community to force Iraqi Leader Saddam Hussein out
of power. The President is using every opportunity to make his point.
Tuesday, while speaking on public education in Nashville, the President,
in his own special way, again cautioned the world of the dangers of trusting
the Iraqi Leader.
(Play clip)
Could the warning be any clearer?
In local news:
Local Inmate Jim Bob Carter (Show picture of Jim Bob) of the Indian Creek Correctional Center in Chesapeake is suing (2nd picture of Jim Bob) Jim Bob Carter of the Indian Creek Correctional Center. Mr. Carter, serving a 12 year sentence for grand larceny, sued himself for quote "getting drunk and violating my civil rights." In a hand-written brief, he said: "I partook of alcoholic beverages. And as a result, I caused myself to violate my religious beliefs. This was done by my going out and getting arrested." (six o'clock news slide)
In Hollywood News:
At a taping of the recent Survivor reunion, first Survivor Champ Richard Hatch was overheard declaring, "I've never felt closer to a group of people. Not even in the portable johns at Woodstock." Meanwhile, discussing a possible strike by sanitation workers in New York, Woody Allen was overhead proclaiming, "There's no garbage in California. That's because they turn it into television shows." And Tim Allen, disturbed while visiting a local seafood restaurant, had this to say, "I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick-not wounded-dead."
And now, our health and science reporter, Roseanna Roseannadanna, has a report for us on a problem faced by women everywhere. Good evening, Roseanne.
(Roseanne, smiling, chewing gum) Hi, Barney.
It's Bailey, Roseanne
Whateva
You have made some startling discoveries about a widely used feminine cosmetic routine...
What? oh, you mean the nail polish thing...yeah, I made a few phone calls last week about this cosmetics problem, Barney.
Bailey...
Bailey, Barney, whateva....
Well, ....what did you find out?
About what?
THE FINGER NAIL POLISH!
Well, you don't have to get all upset about it...yeah, the nail polish thing...I spoke to several cosmopolitans...
You mean cosmeticians.
Look, whose doin this report, me or you? (Acts like 'I got that straightened out, tosses her hair)
Like I said, I spoke to several cosmopolitans,
and they gave me the straight dope on this deal. It turns out that certain
manufactures have substituted castor oil for acetone in the polish. Why
they can't tell the difference between castor oil and nail polish I'll
never know. But if yous ask me, Roseanne Roseannadanna, what the problem
is, I think they don't know what's up and what's down. I mean, look at
these hands (shows hands)...do they look like they need castor oil? (pause
for effect) No! That's for constipation. Just what exactly are they
trying to tell us?.... If they really wanted to do something to help us
ladies, they'd put super glue in the polish. Yeah...that would really help...
Just the other day, I was putting on my nylon hose and wham!, a hang nail
caught the hose and made a big run. (Stands up and puts her foot on the
stool) See, just look at dis (shows everyone the run, Joe is shocked)...I
wore these so I could show you what happened...(looks behind the curtain)
what, don't you think I can afford a decent pair of hose? (takes her foot
down, still looking offstage) maybe not with the salary you pay me...(sits
down) anyway after I run my hose, I tried to bite the hang nail off (demonstrates).
You know how hard that is to get that tiny, itty-bitty piece of finger
nail between your teeth so you can
pull it off? Sure you do! So, I pull
it off, but it pulls off a long piece that goes all the way back to the
quick. So, I run to the bathroom to put cold water on it, and it
starts to bleed. And did I say it hurt? So I dried it off with some toilet
paper and said to myself, "Self, whatareyougonnado if this fingernail gets
infected?"...so I got the bottle of alcohol...and poured it on it....I
woke up the next
morning...with my finger in the toilet paper
and it's stuck in my mouth. I thought I'd never get all the toilet paper
out of my mouth!
(Turns to Joe) So, Barney, I think they should put superglue in nail polish...
Roseanne, what about the castor oil?
What castor oil? Oh, yeah the castor oil...hey,
that's somebody else's problem to fix...It just goes to show you that it's
aways
something....you try to take care of your
fingernails and you wind up in the toilet.
Good night, Roseanne
Hey, Barney, you want to get together and work on our toenails?
(Joe rolls his eyes and slightly shakes head) If you've enjoyed this program just half as much as we've enjoyed doing it, then we've enjoyed it twice as much as you." That's the news...
(play newscast sound effects)
Good night and have a pleasant evening...
(fade out lights, fade out music, and as music
disappears, switch MM to CW logo)